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Full text of "Crazy Magazine 033"







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BRING YOUR GARBAGE INTO 
OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS 



—A CRAZY SIGN— 




THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB 

(our competitors were the ones who dared us!) 



BURLESQUE 



PAUL LAIKIN 

Editor Emeritus 



EDEN NORAH 

Art Directress D emeritus 



GREGG AXELROD 
Copy Chief 



ARON MAYER 
Sloppy Chief 



ARTISTS THIS ISSUE: Murad Gum en, Walter Brogan, Bill Burke, Alan Kupperberg, Tony Tallarico, 

John Langton, Diane Levin, Vic Martin, Ray Billingsley, Dave Wenzel, Sam Viviano, 

John Stevens, Mike Pardo, Dave Manak, Kent Gamble and Gary Brodsky. 



WRITERS THIS ISSUE: Fred Wolfe, Paul Kupperberg, Michael Pellowski, Roger Francis, Joe Kiernan, 

Bob Heit, Phil Hlrsch, Bob Rosenbloom, Jim Simon, William Sullivan, 

Marylyn D'Amico, Sara Arthur and Joe Thadummi. 



FRONT COVER: Bob Larkin 



BACK COVER: Lenny Grow 

-IN THIS ISSUE - 



MANHOLE COVER: Con Edison 









m3\ 





Specialized Trophies 36 | No Respect 38 I Monster Limericks 42 ■ Waats Happening 45 



CRAZY MAGAZINE Is published by Marvel Comics Group. Office of Publication: 575 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. James E. Gallon, President; Stan Lee. 
Publisher. Published monthly- Copyright* 1977 by Marvel Comics Group, a Division of Cadence Industries Corporation. All rights reserved S75 Madison Avenue. 
New York. N.Y. 10022. Vol. 1. No. 33, January 1978 Issue. Price 60' per copy in the U.S. and Canada. Second-class postage &•'••'• •" New York, N.Y. and at additional 
mailing offices. All business Inquiries should be addressed to Ed Shukin, Director of Circulation. 9th floor. No similarity between any of the names, character*, 
persons and or institutions in this magazine with those of any living or dead person or Institution Is intended, and any such similarity which may exist is purely 
coincidental. Printed In the United States of America. Th is periodical may not be sold except by authorized dealers and is sold subject In the conditions that if shall 
not be sold or distributed with any part of Hs cover or markings removed, nor in a mutilated condition. Second-class postage paid at New York, N.Y. and at additional 
mailing offices. 

ATTENTION KIDS: DONT BE A DROPOUT - STAY IN SCHOOL AND DRIVE THE TEACHERS CRAZYI 




^;- ;; " "" 



1 really liked No. 24, except the 
part about the Marithin Man. Now 
I'd like to see you write something 
dumb about that! 

Walter Randle 
Rahnert Park, Cal. 
Dear Walter, 
Nonny nonny nonny nonnyna! 



I used to read Mad, then I 
bought Crazy. Boy, I sure went 
crazy reading it! I won't buy 
anything else but Crazy now. And if 
you print this 1 will really buy them. 
Thank you for writing such a terrific 
book! 

James Bays 
Grand Prarie, Texas 
Dear James, 

Thank you for writing such a 
terrific letter! 



Since you did a story on Kink 
Konk why don't you do one on 
Godzilla? 

RichyTiff 
Jensen Beach, Fla. 



Dear Richy, 

You must want us to go ape 
altogether! 

Your mag. is the best, but too 

short. It's better than Mad, Cracked, 

and Sick, but please make it longer. 

Dago Hornedo 

Laredo, Texas 

Dear Dago, 

Sorry, but our printer feels that 
11 inches is long enough! 

You have got to be Mad or 
Cracked to print Crazy. 

Tom Tier 
Buffalo, N.Y. 
Dear Tom, 
Yes, and a little Sick too! 

I went to the store the other day 
looking for some Mad books. They 
were all sold out so I got Crazy 
instead. Now I'm a loyal reader. To 
get right to the point, I would like to 
know if you would do a movie satire 
on 'Silver Streak'? 

Doug Ally 
Houston, Texas 
Dear Doug, 

We will, as soon as we can figure 
out a "loco" motive! 

In issue No. 28 I didn't like the 
way you answered any of the 
letters. But, I did like the little guy 
who carries the signs! 

Debbie Cummings 
Smithville, Mo. 
Dear Debbie, 

What makes you think he isn't 
the one who answered the letters? 

...If you don't print this letter I 
will jump off the skylight at school! 

Michael Brodeue 
Montreal, Canada 
Dear Michael, 

Here's your letter-we wouldn't 
want you to drop out! 



I never shoulda 
ndthis 
to the CRAZY editor! 





I think CRAZY is a great maga- 
zine. But what got me upset was 
that in August #28, a person by 
the name of Bruce Roepe said Mad 
was better. Either you're crazy, 
Bruce, or mad about something! 
Edith Arnst 
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. 
Dear Edith, 

Or just a little cracked! 



I used to love "Mad" and hate 
"Cracked", but now I have aban- 
doned them and I love "Crazy". 
In the first issue I ever read, No. 29, 
there was "The Crazy Book Of Things 
You Never Could Figure Out As A 
Kid". Now I am forever quoting 
something stupid! 

Cindy Walker 
Edmonton, Alberta 
Dear Cindy, 

That's how our editor got 
started! 



I really like your covers, especially 
the one about Pres. Carter in the 
place of George Washington and 
Donny & Marie in place of American 
Gothic. Could you do in the future 
Bob Newhart in place of Blue Boy, 
Phyllis instead of the Mona Lisa and 
Mary Tyler Moore instead of 
Whistler's mother? 

R.B. 

Alexandria, Ontario 
Dear R.B., 

Love to know what your full 
name is instead of those initials! 



This is the first time I read CRAZY 
(No. 25) and I want to tell you I en- 
joyed it. I really liked the one about 
"Happiness For Today's Modern 
Kids". Keep up the good work'. 

Sabrina Manzzaro 

Trinadad, W.I. 

Dear Sabrina, 

If we do, It will be more happi- 
ness for today's modern kids! 



Your writers must be very freaky 
and weird when it comes to writing 
stories and other dumb things. I've 
always wanted to be as dumb as 
your writers and smart in their ways. 
You know what I mean? 

B.J.W. 

Culpeper, Va. 
Dear B.J.W., 

We would if we were smart! 

I liked your Issue #29. It was the 
first CRAZY I ever read. I was sick 
for a whole week... 

Leonore Person 
New York, N.Y. 
Dear Leonore, 

What happens when you read 
Sick— do you go Crazy for a week? 




EXCLUSIVE! 

Anita Bryant has no place to 
go to have her hair done! 



In Issue #27 you made a mistake. 

In the Contents Picture 13, it says 

"Using Wrong Products". It should 

say "T.V. Scenes We'd Like To See". 

Mike Reed 

Birmingham, Ala. 

Dear Mike, 

That's what we'd like to see on 
T.V.— wrong products! 



! Iij<e all kinds of magazines but I 
think CRAZY and Mad are the best. 
But when I read Issue #22 I flipped. 
I thought CRAZY was better than 
Mad! 

Anthony Cangialori 

Bayonne, N.J. 



Dear Anthony, 

So you're the one! 



I liked Darny & Merrie in #28 so 
much I wanted to buy three editions 
but I had bought the last one. And if 
you don't print this letter I'll make a 
CRAZY magazine fire! 

Robert Matchett 
Ishpening, Mich. 
Dear Robert, 

Shhh!... that's next season! 



I really like reading "Crazy News 
Of The Month" everytime I buy 
GRAZY. I don't see how you can 
pack million-dollar humor in a 50-cent 
magazine! 

Carl Cronan 
Pleasent Grove, Ala. 
Dear Carl, 

It's difficult— sometimes it's so 
chock-full, we have to sit on the 
covers to close the magazine! 



I noticed a blooper in Issue #28. 
It was in the "Marithin Man" page 
48. In one place on the page you had 
the marithin man's and ShmelPs 
voices switched! 

Sandy Lindgren 

Hibbing, Minn. 
Dear Sandy, 

We tried it the right way and it 
wasn't as funny! 



I am only 8-years-old but I'm 
probably your number one fan! 
Richard Bullington 
Fort Smith, Arkansas 
Dear Richard, 

Sounds possible. Our No. 8 fan 
is a 2-year-old! 



I think you should do a satire on 
"Voyage To The Bottom Of The 
Sea", "The Omen" and "The Brady 
Bunch". If you don't print this letter 
I'll take issue #10 through #26 and 
burn it along with my other garbage 
and junk! 

Johnny Sead 

New York, n.y. 
Dear Johnny, 

For the sake of pollution, here's 
your letter! 



What I want to tell you is that I dig 
your mag and sleep right next to the 
newstand not to miss an issue. In 
this connection I would like to tell 
off Mr. Alain Houlliere from France 
who wrote to you (issue No. 27) to 
claim French fun mags were much 
better and that "You'll never get per- 









fection we know in France without 
writing in French". My standpoint 
is that this dummy is either a die- 
hard dingo or an out-of-the-way nut! 

Patrick Alan Gaglio 

Nice, France 

Dear Patrick, 

Now let's see what Mr. Houlliere 
thinks about your letter. He'll probably 
say you're in-Seine! 



Why don't you try a satire on if 
doctors made television commer- 
cials? That might be funny... 
J. Hilley 
Mableton, Ga. 
Dear J., 

Sorry, we don't do "sick" 
humor! 



jt.Hs^- 



W^- 



'nuff 

said 

already! 



TAKE A LETTER TO CRAZY 
Marvel Management Group 
575 Madison Avenue 
New York, N.Y. 10022 



• 



MOVIE SATIRE: 
Here is CRAZY'S version of 
«Ptnrt o( the year. No, i 



In fact, in drive-in theatres they i 

their horns at the end to signify approv; 

Which is a sneaky way for us to call it. 






Pordon me, folks — 1 couldn't help noticing that 
strange-looking bottle you have fhere! 


Oh thi»? We took 
it from an old 


Hmm— 1 didn't know 
Phyllis Dillerwas 


1 
} 1 


^]ML 


ili^:.,.-' 





:: Remember thai medallion 

found? I knew it looked 

familiar! Here's a picture of 

an old ?5th Century Spanish 

noblewoman— and she's 
wearing it around her neck! 



That's no oh 



ex-wife 
Shirley! 



I'm only kidding! That is an authentic 
medallion all right! While it was on □ ship 
crossing the Bermuda Straits 400 years ago 
if was sunk! If we can find the pendant 
thot was attached to it, we can prove it's 
□ legitimate treasure! If not, it'll make a 
heckuva Crackerfack prize! 



While div 




row for the res 


of the 


bottles w 


'II look for the pendant 


Mean- 


while, let 




e sleep — 1 gotl 




bright one 


early for 


yet another m 


j vie I'm 


doing th 


>sedays 


Man, is this my year! 





Here come my two guys now! They 

must've found Ihe pendant- - 
judging by the way they're sitting 
n top of the world! Can't wait to see it! 



A milk 
bottle? 

What's so 
valuable 
about that? 




There's a paper 

inside— that's 

what's so valuable 



tript of n 



—now that': 
year's big sea movie— ™ what I call th. 
in the tradition of JAWS I j bi 99est treosu 
and THE DEEP— ° f ,heiri all ! 



\t 



%v^ 

^ 



wm>w>m 






The karate instructor who has a 
hernia condition 



The stewardess who sits on the 
pilot's lap during the flight 



The best friend who offers to look 
after your wife while you're gone 




The Candid Cameraman who 
suddenly appears in your bedroom 



The lady in front of you on the 
crowded supermarket line 



The girl you took to the drive-in 
who insists on watching the movie 



"*& 






The guy in the alley who wants to 
sell you a watch 




The cashier who puts up the change-of- ine 

price sign just as you reach the box-office you on that business trip to Pan 



CRAZY PROFILES: 



Writer: Joe Kiernon Artist: Tony Tallarico 



IN THE NEWS 



Salt Lake City, Utah: Mrs. Betty 
Gloggens, a Mormon housewife, 
gave birth to triplets this month- 
all girls. She named them Faith, 
Hope and Welfare (she's already 
had it with charity!) This makes 
it 19 children in the Gloggens' 
household— all girls. When asked 
what she would do now that she 
has three more girls at home, 
Mrs. Gloggens replied: "I 
dunno— keep trying for a boy, 
' guess!" 




Philadelphia, Pa.: Local residents 
Max Garber, 96, and Sally 
Quimper, 93, were married this 
month— the groom claiming he 
"had" to after getting her in 
"trouble". The happy couple 
spent their two-week honeymoon 
getting in and out of the car. 



Chicago, III.: At one sitting, 
Arnold Zapp of nearby Cicero, ate 
21 lobsters, 16 fried clams, 9 
crab legs, 6 flounders, 3 red 
snappers, 2 salmon steaks and 
6 striped bass. Afterwards' he 
said he felt fine, but his stomach 
now goes in and out with the 
tide! 

Detroit, Mich.: The star Tigers' 
outfielder, Tony "No Nose" 
Futterman signed his contract 
this month. Tony has been a 
hold-out. He hasn't played since 
946. In fact, he hasn't been in 
one game in over 30 years. Only 
last month he was so fed up he 
remarked "I think I'll get out of 
this business!" 

lAddVH-aaDOIUl SI Sd30Od AOd 




Plains, Georgia: Billy Carter, the President's brother, just signed 
to star in a new movie "Ma And Pa Kettle Get A Hotfoot". Biliy 
leaves for Hollywood as soon as he can pack a six-pack. Asked 
if he thought he could act, Billy replied, "I'm a great actor! Who 
do you think taught Jimmy how to act?" 





Washington, D.C.: President 
Jimmy Carter suffered a serious 
accident recently when he got a 
bad bump on the head and two 
knocked-out teeth, resulting from 
a punch thrown by his daughter, 
Amy. She said she was fed up 
with peanut butter sandwiches, 
peanut soup, peanut meat loaf 
and peanut milk every day. As 
Amy put it when she zapped her 
father: "Nuts to you, Man!" 

Cleveland, Ohio: The late Mrs. 
Martha Wetback, a Shaker 
Heights housewife, left one and 
a half million dollars to her pet 
dog, "Roland" (should he sur- 
vive her and he did!) Mrs. Wet- 
back attained her great wealth by 
saving tin foil, shoe laces, stale 
bread and occasionally holding 
up banks. Roland barked, "I'm 
going to buy me 3 pet cats and 
a split-level dog house!" 



Rome, Italy: A book has just 
been released here about Michel- 
angelo, which explains exactly 
why it took him seven years to 
paint one ceiling. Seems it was 
a civil-service job. It further 
states that Michelangelo, although 
he loved doing windows, refused 
to do woodwork. They had to 
have a girl come in twice a week 
to clean up! 




DURING THE FIFTIES, PEOPLE HAD TO SHOP IN 
BIG CITY STORES. DURING THE SIXTIES CAME 
THE SUBURBAN MALLS WITH THEIR SELF-SERVICE 
BARGAIN CHAINS. NOW, IN THE SEVENTIES 
WE'RE BEGINNING TO SEE YET ANOTHER DE- 
VELOPMENT. ..WAREHOUSE STORES! UNFOR- 
TUNATELY, PRICE-SLASHING CAN'T BEGIN TO 
KEEP UP WITH INFLATION, SO AS PRICES 
CONTINUE TO SOAR, IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE 
WE SEE THE ULTIMATE IN BARGAINS... 
CROOK BROS. WAREHOUSE 




AUTOMOBILES. Dozens to 

choose from. Sorry, no 
keys. $100.00 ond up. We 
also have several police 
cars. Empty, $350.00 
With attack dog in 
back, $600.00! 



BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS 

And more books. AH 
popular library editions. 
Libraries have lousy 
security! Only 50<t each. 



KEG OF NAILS... 

Saved up when we 
took stuff that was 
nailed down! Only $5.00 



HANDBAGS. ..Wide variety o 
sizes, colors, and contents 
Carried by little-old ladies 
who only dared to walk on 
Sundays! $4.00 each. 



"AlUVd 3WVS 3H± 01 01SIUHO 31NOW dO 1NHOO 3H1 ONV S31NVQ QNnwaS 3J.IANI l.NOQ 





GENUINE MINK STOLE. ..Well, it may not be mink, 
but you can bet your life it was stole! $750.00 



HATS AND COATS... 

Right off the racks! 
Many worn only once. 
All famous-name 
manufacturers... 
like Howard Johnson' 
and Red Coach Grill 




ABANDONED CHILDREN. ..The 

perfect addition to any household 
or write to original parents and 
collect the ransom 
yourself! All ages 
$500.00 ea. 

LOCKS. ..Combination^ 
or regular. All sizes 
shapes and styles. 
Your 'pick'! 
$1.00 up. 



CANDY. ..It was easy 
taking candy from babies, 
and we're passing on the % 
savings to you! 10* per 
bag. 




COME VISIT 
VAST 
SHOWROOM* 



nam If you don't see what you want, let us knew and we'll 
get it for you at super-savings! If you see something that 
was yours to begin with, tough nuggiss! If you have a 
problem with any merchandise, we'll stand right behind you. \ 
That's so you won't db able to see as! WE WILL NOT BE 
UNDER-STOLE! 



ASK YOUR LOCAL FENCE FOR DIRECTIONS. 



Today people i are deciding early in life exactly what they went to be when they grow up. Five-year-old children plan on being millionaires. 
ven-year-old girls plan on being sex symbols. Nine-year-old boys plan on being dirty old men. Now some professions have particular requireme 
Vou may not have the necessary equipment to be what you want to be. For example, do you want to be a coach or a gym teacher' 
Check your gear! See if you have what it takes to make the team! Mainly, follow... 



CRAZVS QUICK CAREER 

COACHING GUIDE 

or HOW TO BECOME A BIGWIG IN SPORTS 

IN FOUR EASY LESSONS Writer: Michael Pellow.kl 

(or one hard one) Artltt: Tony Talldrlco 

1. YOU MUST LOOK LIKE YOU CAN DO THE JOB EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T. . . 




2. YOU MUST HAVE THE FOLLOWING ACCOMPLISHMENTS 
TO YOUR CREDIT. . . 



You must have a contract 
stating that you had a try out 
with some type of pro sports 



Certificate of Attendance 

Jolm §por1? 



ro Contvact 



The R A*. Polecats 
<rf -the Eas-tevn 
Tootkpickin' 
League will pay 
Joe Shmoo 
»5.°-2 i-P he 
wakes their 
sewi-pv-o 
tooth pick in 

teaw, 




3. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO PERFORM CERTAIN PHYSICAL FEATS. 






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You must be able to do one push up, one chin up. You must be able to squash a person's palm 

one sit up, etc. You only have to be able to do when shaking hands. You must have a super 

one of each exercise because you only dem- strong grip. Only your right hand has to be 

onstrate each exercise one time. strong. The rest of your body can be weak. 




You must be able to perspire 
profusely. Coaches and gym 
teachers are expected to look 
sweaty. 



You must have scars on your You must be able to palm a 

knees and a phony storey about basketball or be able to hold 5 

how you got hurt In a cham- baseballs in one hand, 
pionshlp game. 




You must be able to draw X's 
and O's on blackboards. You 
don't have to know any other 
letters. 

18 



You must be able to throw a 
perfect spiral, a full court pass, 
or a curve ball. 



Last, but by no means least... 
You must be able to blow a 
whistle. This is your most im- 
portant job. 



4. YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO DO CERTAIN MENTAL THINGS TOO. 




Some students are reluctant to participate In A coach must be able to deliver Impromptu pep- 
physical activities. A coach must calmly and talks at a moment's notice, 
logically persuade them to become Involved. 




A coach must be an amatuer phycologist, subtle- Above all, a coach must set a good example for 
ly making hts team realize how important win- his players to follow, 
nlng is. 



You're a senior! You've been 
he team for four years! Forgetting 
your plays is (ike forgetting 
your own name! Say! What is your 
igain? 




Although winning is Important, a coach must A coach must live by the I 
demonstrate how to lose gracefully. he sets down for his players. 



One of the major problems lacing Americans today It Unemployment. Million! of people 
are out of work. We feel the Carter administration should come up with a plan to gat these 
folks back an their coffee-breaks. During the Great Depression of the 1930's. President 
Roosevelt created the W.P.A. to help the unemployed get back on their feet. Today the 
work force needs work. And so we worked up this workable article which we think will 
work. If not, back to the Unemployment Line for the writer who though up... 

NEW JOb IDEAS 

FOR THE 

UNEMPLOYED 



Writer: Jos Klernan Artist: Dave Manak 




BEACH COMPUTER 

Salary: $8,000 per year. An extra allowance of 6 bucks a week is 
given to buy eyedrops for overworked eyeballs. Education: None-- 
you must have to be alive and have a will to put in long hours. 
Duties: To sit on the beach and count all the girls wearing bikinis. 
A bonus is given for finding girls who are topless. 



Pay is 3 bucks 
required for thi 



of laying 

growing. Also noting hi 

year, there 



GRASS GAZER 

n hour and all the grass you can eat. Education 
position: 7 weeks in any jungle, swamp or golf 
ntry. The work takes place outdoors and consists 
ground and keeping track of how the grass is 
olor changes in the sunlight. Next 
his field: looking at astro-turf. 




CLOUD LOOKER 

92,000 dollars a yar-if you know anyone who works for any of the 
following, Walter Cronkite, Secretary of State Cyrus Vance or Stan 
Lee. Education requirements: anything you got is O.K. For 2 hours a 
day you lay on your back and look at the passing clouds lo see what 
they look like to you. Whether it be ducks, faces, boats, the state of 
Utah, etc. 



TRAFFIC CONTROLLER FOR ANTS 

5,987 dollars o year. 35 bucks allowance to buy a magnifying glass. 
Duties of the jab: Keep ants in line when they cross streets, beaches 
and people sleeping on picnic blankets. Education needed: 3 hours 
in any back yard. 

ilSndl3/v\aODNIl 



MM- 




TV COMMERCIAL COUNTER 

Pay is $10,000 a year ($12,000 if you own a TV set). Education: at 
least 3 years of viewing "Welcome Back, Kotter." Purpose of work: 
To find out tiow many commercials the network can ram down the 
throats of the American public in a 24-hour period. 



PARK BENCH TESTER 

Pay is 100 dollars a week or 20 bucks a day. Some people only work 
one day because they get mugged in the park. Educational 
requirements: Must be able to write name, count up to 10 and read 
Wet Paint signs. Work consists of testing park benches to see if they 
ore sturdy and termite-free. 







FIRE PLUG FEELER 

Pay is 9,000 yearly (9,500 dollars if you don't have hang-nails). 
Education: Must be able to tie own shoes and wave good bye. Also 
must have talent to get along with dogs. Reason for job: To see that 
the fireplugs do not leak. Also to see that no plugs are stolen. 



TREE SITTER 

Pay is 21,000 dollars □ year (24,000 dollars if you can recite the 
poem "Trees" without laughing). Education needed: One week in 
Kindergarten or four years at Yale. The job is to go talk fo lonely . 
trees for at least an hour. Many trees in this land of ours are 
without friends. Be a pal to a poplar or a friend to a fern. 




BIRDBATH FILLER 

Pay is 245,000 dollars a year. Education: 4 years of college, 6 yei 
of Medical School and 8 weeks of auto repair, if you have none of 
the above, you may get the job if you can prove you voted for Jimmy 
Carter or have bought gas at brother Billy's Service Station. Job is to 
walk around in your town every morning and put water in the 
birdbaths. If you cannot find any birdbaths, you take a robin to 



Heehaw! Hoo heel 

Funnneee! Haw how! Ho hoi 


And he's holding the 
magazine upside down yet! 




HUMOR MAGAZINE READER 

Pay is 76 cents a week (98 cents if you don't wear glasses). 
Education needed: If you have walked post any school in the last 12 
months you will do. Work consists of reading all comic books, humor 
magazines and stuff like that. While you're reading, if you find 
anything that'strikes you funny, you write it down and send it to the 
United Nations in care of Captain Kangaroo. 



In the public's interest, we present 
this article as a hint to would-be 
inventors who want to create 
machines that will benefit all mankind. 
Because these are definitely... 



JNUENTJQNS 



PANT"' 




MANT&301U.A I 





< IT TASTES ") THAT'S 0SCAUSe YOU 
/-IKE J C5E DIRT TO MAWS 
ipy GROUND ^IT INSTEAD OF BEANS ! 



* I COFFEE 




g to resort to 



WE SORELY NEED 




Writer: Jim Grodus gjsgjg 



noawAs sioas v si iHsasavHvw am 



.(Snf 



You receive that long-awaited $5000 royalty checlToh 
your new book ... and it comes the exact moment your 
wife asks you to buy her a new $5000 mink coat! 




You finally get your boyfriend to buy you that expensive 

necklace of cultured pearls ... and the next day you 

read about the police discovering a rash of imitation 

^zircons! 



You finally realize your heart's ambition, that of opening 
up a quarter car wash ... and you go broke because 
nobody wants to have only a quarter of their car washed! 




You rent a new luxury convertible to go out riding with You have a group insurance policy which covers the 
you r beautiful new secretary ... and when you stop at a sickness you have ... and you find out that if s no good 
red light you'll see your wife crossing the street! unless the entire group gets sick! 




You succeed in having your father promise to get you that 
new car for your birthday . . . and it's moments before he 
gets a look at your school report card! 



You go down to City Halt for your driver's license and 
accidentally get in the wrong line . . . and you wind up 
married to a Toyota! 




You hear the pilot in the airplane you're flying say that the 
plane has just hit a simple air pocket and there's nothing 
to be alarmed about . . . and you find out if s a recorded 
message! 



Your psychiatrist finally uncovers your problem, that you 
have a very bad suicide-complex . . . and from then on he 
makes you pay in advance! 




You have a new electronic pacemaker successfully instal- You go to a Sunday double-header at the ball park and try 
led in your heart . . . and every time you sneeze the to take a picture of the 60,000 fans in the grandstand . . . 
garage door will open! and it won't come out because somebody moves! 25 



IF YOU THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH VIOLENCE ON T.V. NOW, YOU WON'T BE SEEING MUCH LESS IN THE 
FUTURE BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE IT! IN FACT, IT JUST MAY SPREAD TO OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAIN- 
MENT... SOMETHING PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY TAKE PART IN! IF THIS HAPPENS, WE COULD END UP 
SEEING THINGS LIKE.... 



THE BOARD: Shows a symbolic map of 
New York City.. .Central Park surrounded 
by streets and buildings. All divided into 
squares, like chessboard. 



THE PLAYERS: 

Game is played by three people, who 
choose roles. One will be the 'assailant', 
one will be the 'VICTIM', and one will be 
the 'cop'. Persons interested in justice 
and fair play are advised not to become 
the 'cop'! 

Players can break down these roles 
even further. For example, 'assailants' 
may call themselves 'muggers', 'hit men', 
or 'tax collectors'. 'Victims' may be 
'little old ladies', 'stoolies', or 'marathon 
men'. 'Cops' can disguise themselves as- 
anyone.. .even law-abiding citizens! 



CRAZ 




rS VIOLENCE GAME 



AR ROOM 

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IMGOVBR 

OTTOMS J^k 




GHETTO 
TENEMENT 

WATCH YOUR 
HEAP AND 
COAT 



EMPIRE k 
STATE 
BOIuPING 



tJeWARE 
OF FALUN 

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TV STUDIO 

WW#500V* 

PM TAX MENffeoOO 5 -* 



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CRAZY MA6. 
1WS BEAMS 

FOPMERLV BUBKA6 



OPIUM 
PEN 

NO SMOKING^ 



is-UHITED 
NATIONS 
BLPG. 



K3 



AP AGENCY 

£APN 

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COURT 
HOUSE 

CRIME DOESN'T 

Am THE HO0RS\ 
^AH6 GOOD J 



LOADING 
DOCKS 

AMP AtL YOU CAN 
SWIPE 



STATUE 
OF 
LIBERTY 

BURN,BA©y y BuRH 




Writer: Roger Francis 
Artist: Tony Tallarlco 



RULES OF PLAY: 



1) Players lake turns, the nastiest 
(probably the cop) going first. Each 
player rolls the die, and may move 
that number ot squares in any 
direction, with the following in mind: 

2) The assailant is always attempting to 
(arid on the same square as the 
victim. When he does, he gets up and 
beats victim over noggin with black- 
jack. Then he takes whatever cash 
victim has 'earned'. (See rule 4) 

3) The cop is always attempting to land 
on the same square as the assailant. 
When he does, assailant offers him a 
'cut' of the stolen money. If accepted, 
cop moves in opposite direction.(NOTE: 
Cop must also do his best to avoid 
victim.) 

4) The victim is alway attempting to 
land on the 'business' squares to 
'earn' amount shown, and as assailant 
closes in, attempts to land on same 
square as cop. If he does, cop mis- 
takes him for radical and uses mace, 
bazooka, or missile. Whatever seems 
appropriate. 

5) If all three happen to land on same 
square at once, 'assailant' must go to 
'prison' (shown at lower right on 
board) and pass up a turn. This will 
only amount to a term of several 
minutes. Talk about realism! 

6) Game ends when victim finally 
passes out from wounds received. At 
this time, cop and assailant count 
their cash, and wealthiest wins! 

HAVE FUN!!! 

NOTE: You may wonder who is dumb 
enough to play the 'victim'. Many people 
are. The ones who leave their doors un- 
locked, carry large amounts of cash, 
or smoke cigarettes! 



IMNId V SVAA 3d3A3a invd 
27 



Do-Gooders are people who are well-meaning, well-intentioned busybodies who usually wind up 
getting it in the end. To show you what we mean, here is . . . 



A 



iOOK AT 



^^MXMi 



WRITER: BOB ROSENBLOOM ARTIST: DIANE LEVIN 




Take a look at celebrity autographs and whattaya see? They all look alike, that's whattaya see! There's 
no individuality! Since most celebrities have their own images, what we should have are... 

Writer: \j £) £) 4) £) Ar,U,! 

Warren Emery JHHMpT ■/ 1/ W ■/ A ™" Ma V 








S^^^.&JD 




What's the big music sensation across the nation? Discol...Now wo'va got some dances 
you've never oven heard of. Lessons start right now - so put on. your platform shoes and 
turn up that radio. ..Arthur Murray, eat your heart out-because here's... 

CRAZY'S STEP BY STEP 

<$<*SC6 1/ESS6WS 



Writer: Joe Thadumml 



Artist: Vic Martin 



LESSON 1 

THE CRAZY 

HUSTLE 



9S»' 




INSTRUCTIONS: 



>] Couple starts at opposite 
ends of the disco floor 
and Hustles towards 
each other, being careful 
not to run over other 
disco dancers. 



Couple forgets to stop 
Hustling, and meets in 
the center of the dance 
floor, head-on. 



LESSON 3 
THE LOOSE 
MARBLES 



V • J 

^ *• s# 



This dance is a natural, 
especially after having 
just done the Crazy 
Hustle and the Crazy 
Bump. 



LESSON 4 
THE GOTTA GO 




This dance occurs when 
one member of the 
couple suddenly 
remembers he left his 
car lights on after 
parking. 



***"<» 



Couple dances with 
hands over ears in order 
to avoid listening to loud 
disco music from band. 



Slightly harder than the 
regular Cover Up, this is 
for double-jointed 
dancers only, and you 
can't cover up your 
ears. 



Girl has no offers (except 
from local dog catcher) 
and is forced to dance 
solo. 







Clod forgot to wipe feet 
before returning to the 
dance floor in this one. 



This is what happens 
^y/.j when King Kong tries to 
%§£(*£• do one of these disco 
^SS numbers. Not recom- 
" mended for anyone un- 
der 60' tall. 



Male partner must have 
two left feet and must 
plant one of them on his 
partner's right foot by 
mistake. 



Entire disco crowd gives 
up trying to follow these 
idiotic footsteps and 
"splits" to the Pizza 
Parlor next door. 



AWARD-LOSING ARTICLE 



PLAQUES 




FOR NOSE-PICKERS 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 

MEMBER OF THE BLACK 

PANTHERS 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
MEMBER OF THE 
KU-KLUX-KLAN 





HUNG IN THE HOME OF AN 

OLD-FASHIONED STREET 

CORNER WOLF. 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
SQUEALER OR A COP-HATER 





HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 

PROFESSIONAL MEMORY 

EXPERT. 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
DIE-HARD REPUBLICAN. 



tmm 



fep^EPS* 




\00% Pure. Bull 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
MARRIED COUPLE WHO ARE C.I 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
PROFESSIONAL 
NUTS. EXTERMINATOR. 



HUNG IN THE HOME OF A 
SPEECH-MAKING POLITICIAN. 



&%mme& and f ^ / uJiJmM 

£' Artistr Johr 




TROPHIES 



THE OUCH-THAT SMARTS PLA- 
QUE (awarded to karate students 
who drop out of class} 




THE BEER CAN PLAQUE 

(awarded to those who produce 
natural gas during tuel shortage) 




THE PEANUT-PUSHES PLAQUE 

(awarded to people who once 
campaigned for Jimmy Carter) 



FOR PLUMBERS 




THE GOLDEN SPLINTER BENCH 
PLAQUE (awarded to team ath- 
letes who never play in any of the 
games) 



THE STOLEN HUBCAP PLAQUE 

(awarded to guys who take rip 
them off of moving cars) 




THE SCREW-BALL PLAQUE 

(awarded to all those who sub- 
scribe to CRAZY Magazine) 




FOR GAMBLERS 



FOR BORROWERS v 



Michael Pellowski 



YOU'RE NOT GETTING 




^1P .To 




...At th 

the silen 






breakfast table your talking cereal gives you ...You buy a parrot to talk to and it only learns to say 
ttreatment! three words: "Shutup, stupid!" 




...The postman thinks your name is "Occupant" ...When you go to the zoo, you find that the monkeys 
because you never get letters addressed any other way ! throw peanuts at you ! 




You buy an attack dog from an obediance schoo , ...Things are so bad, you try to make a deal with the 
tell him to heel, and he bites the back of your foot! devil to sell your soul, and he doesn't want it! 



ANY RESPECT IF 



%%% 




...You go to a pet store, ask for a pet that suits your ...You take an army physical and are classified 40-F 
personality and the man sells you a worm in a dixie cup! which means you go only if the enemy invades 

Wyoming! 




Your paren 
10 o'clock an 



ts never knew where you were at ...You open the door of your attic and discover that 
d couldn't have cared less ! termites have devoured your hope chest. 




...You go to a Hamburger King restaurant and they ...A 98 lb. weakling kicks sand in your face at the 
refuse to make a burger your way ! beach in front of your new girl friend. 



ATTENTION COWARDS: 



■I«l T 01l 



REACT IN AN 
EMERGENCY? 



TAKE THE CRAZY EMERGENCY TEST AND FIND OUT! 



Artist: Gary Brodslcy 




If you noticed a cyclone heading your way, would you: If a friend pointed a loaded revolver at you, would you: 

A. Button up your overcoat? A. Tell him that he is no longer your friend? 

B. Complain because you just combed your hair? B. Give the muzzle a dirty look? 

C. Yawn? C. Tell your friend that it is rude to point? 

D. Turn towards home in hopes it will blow you there? D- Try to talk him into a game of Russian Roulette? 




If caught right in the middle of an explosion in a fireworks 


If you were making a speech and your pant 


factory, would you: 


fell off, would you: 


A. Just stand there and watch? 


A. Be glad you are wearing clean underw 


B. Try to hitch-hike a ride on a Roman Candle? 


B. Keep your shirt on? 


C. Regret that it wasn't the Fourth of July? 


C. Take a bow? 


D. Go all to pieces? 


D. Try to keep a low profile? 




When caught in an earthquake and noticing u 
opening between your left and right legs, would you; 

A. Do a jig? 

B. Do a hand-stand? 

C. Complain about your bad luck? 

D. Pull yourself apart and make a wish? 



If you were in a plane, looked out the window u 
noticed the wings fall off, would you: 

A. Inform your fellow passengers that the pla 
will be landing sooner than expected? 

B. Buzz the stewardess and request a final meal? 

C. Take two aspirins? 

D. Climb out and try to fix it? 




If you 
off the track, would you 

A. Stay perfectly ci 

B. Decide that you will ask for your money back 

C. Yell "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel"? 

D. Get nauseous and throw down' 



coaster and your car suddenly fl 
id remain seated? 



If you noticed tha 
meteor, would you: 

A- Look for a helmet? 

B. Look for a cop? 

C. Try not to look up? 

D. Look but don't touch? 



about to be struck by c 




n between 
r't going 100 



If you were involved in 
s traveling 90 

A. Express relief that the 
miles an hour? 

B. Search the glove compartment for band-aid 

C. Give both drivers a piece of your mind? 

D. Get out and take a bus? 



erupting 



If you were three feet from the mouth of <. 

A. Look at your watch so that when the authorities 
find you, you can give them the exact time of the erup 

B. Look for a fburide toothpaste to apply to the mouth? 

C. Move away one more foot? 

D. Go back because you didn't say "May I?" 






THE HUNCHBACK 
OF NOTRE DAME 



d quite deal, yet a lea 



GODZILLA 



»-:■>>•.,.■: ■■ :•- . --.? .> 



■:: r -c 



K 7 1 




f^2| 








i] 


ISlr 1 ' 



HER£ X WA! 
OVER. HERE! 
HELLO? 
^OO-HOO' 



THE INVISIBLE MAN 



Writer. 
Marylyn D'Amico 



II 






[ Stroked r 

Up: 






\M 



THE WOLFMAN 



FRANKENSTEIN'S 
MONSTER 




HOW COME YOU 
. T NEVER TAKE ME TO A 
5*t& V BROAPWAY SHCM/? 



J -;coFFf j-|: 





KING KONG 



THE MARTIANS 

These Martians were really quite bold 
Causing War Of The Worlds to unfold.' 
The A-Bomb couldn't pop them, 
And man could not stop them. 
The Martians dropped dead from a cold! 



1 












1 now THAT'S 

WHAT I CALL. 



f^ 



DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE \ 

i pride. 



ATTENTION AMERICA: 
HOW DID GEORGE 
WASHINGTON EVER 
WIN AN ELECTION 
WITHOUT TELLING 
A LIE? 



CMZY KWS 



ATTENTION WORLD: 
IF THERE'S SO MUCH 
HATE IN THE WORLD- 
HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT 
FOR THE POPULATION 
EXPLOSION? 



OF THE MONTH 



WEATHER: CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE 



ALL THE FITS THAT'S NEWS WE PRINT 



WRITER: PAUL LAIKIN 




NEW YORK, N.Y....A noted TV-hater 
claims he now has a five-foot 
screen in his living room. He keeps 
it right in front of his set! 

WILMINGTON, DEL... A local 
obstetrician reportedly put himself 
through medical school by working 
in the post office here. Trouble is, it 
now takes him three months to 
deliver a baby! 

CINCINNATI, OHIO.-Phone service 
is getting worse every day. A survey 
has shown that it now takes twice 
as long just to get a wrong number. 

HOLLYWOOD, CAL...Not only are 
some of the recent films bigger than 
life— they are ten times dirtier than 
life. One movie just released is so 
sick that they gave it a rating of Rx. 

PLAINS, GA.... Billy Carter is doing 
his best to conserve energy these 
days. He flies without a plane. 
Incidentally, there's a new fortune 
teller in Plains who doesn't use tea 
leaves, She reads from a bowl of 
grits. 
44 



DETROIT, MICH.... A fellow 
hereabouts invented a car that 
gives 500 miles to a gallon. 
Unfortunately, you only get 200 
miles to the car! 




MOBILE, ALA.. .A recent poll con- 
ducted shows that 80 percent of the 
men cheat in America. The other 20 
percent cheat someplace else. 

UGANDA, AFRICA... Everybody keeps 
putting down Idi Amin but his 
country must have the best doctors 
in the world. Ever hear of a Ugandan 
dying of old age? And speaking of 
Uganda, you should see the crowd 
when Idi Amin speaks. Such enthu- 
siasm. Why, people hang on his 
every word ! 

WASHINGTON, D.C.... Nixon said he 
covered up to shield his associates 
who shared the courage of their 
convictions. Seems however, that he 
got the courage and they got the 
convictions. 

UPI EXCLUSIVE: Idi Amin has just 

eaten Andrew Young! 

LONDON, ENGLAND. ..Lloyds of 
London has reported that Farrah 
Fawcett-Majors has insured her 
chest for $1 million dollars. And x 
that's just against theft! 



TV SATIRE: . , 

Today's television viewer is subject to an untold number of situation comedies each and every week...and they re 
all pretty much the same: BAD! Try as they will, television producers have failed to year after year to come up with 
anything new. One producer though, thought he had the answer...an all-black series that portrayed blacks as they 
REALLY are today. Trouble Is, this show only depicts the minority MIDDLE-CLASS BLACK. Nowhere do we find any 
mention of the WAATS-TYPE GHETTO BLACK. In fact, just once we would like to see a real down-to-earth... 






reality h 
up lo thi 

Andlhey 


s finally caught 
neighborhood! 


"C : 


3r 


1 


1 




- £ktz8&& 





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